George R.R. Martin explains delay for THE WINDS OF WINTER

Fantasy author George R.R. Martin has finally reveals why work on his signature Song of Ice and Fire fantasy series is taking so long. In an exclusive exclusive, he reveals the truth. Exclusively:

George R.R. RoboCop's first experimentation with cybernetics was only a modest success.

The truth is, I finished The Winds of Winter three months ago. Not only that, but I had the whole last book mapped out and ready to go. I was just about to send the titanic manuscript to my editor when, as so often happens on deadline day, a massive rip in the fabric of the space/time continuum formed in my office.

I heard this voice cry out “STAY THY HAND” and a figure emerged. He was dressed in leather over high-yield body armour, with his left arm replaced by some kind of laser minigun. He also had a magnificent and well-kept beard. With a shock, I realised I was looking at myself, only transformed into a Terminator-style cyborg from some kind of alternate timeline. I had to admit that I looked kind of badass.

“GEORGE!” cried the other me. “I have some come from some kind of alternate timeline where you have become a Terminator-style cyborg.” “Aha!” I said. The other me continued: “You must not publish The Winds of Winter! That is where it all started going wrong.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “Many millions of fans are waiting for this book. You would ask me to deny them?”

“Yes!”

The alterno-George went on to explain that for many years the Earth had been scrutinised by a hostile alien race known as the Litmongers. They had planned to invade the Earth and lay waste to human civilisation before summoning their dark god Cthulhu to unleash a millennium of pain and torment upon the survivors.

“Wait, Cthulhu is real?” I said, both horrified and impressed.

“Sort of. The Litmongers are great readers of human literature, particularly speculative fiction, and so created a malevolent entity modelled on the works of Lovecraft, which they use to subdue worlds.”

As RoboMartin continued to explain, at great length - with enjoyable-but-unconcise tangents into the aliens’ complex caste structure, heraldry and dietary preferences - the Litmongers had been poised to invade Earth in the summer of 1996 but one of their number had stumbled across a copy of A Game of Thrones. The cruel aliens had been so gripped by my expertly-crafted narrative of feuding kingdoms and subtly-complex-yet-relatable human characters (“So venomous they could eat the Borgias” – SFX Magazine) that they had stayed their hand, waiting for the series to conclude. Their patience had been worn thin by the wait for later books in the series, their arguments about whether to invade Earth and plunge seven billion souls into horrific torment or wait a bit longer to find out who Jon Snow’s dad was spilling over and manifesting themselves in bitter flame wars on the human internet.

“So I have to keep writing Song of Ice and Fire novels forever to keep humanity safe from utter obliteration?” I asked, feeling both the despair of art being subsumed by commercial requirements but also the financial security that comes from having a reliable income stream. “I’m not sure my fans will buy that. Well, not all of them.”

“Indeed!” said the Other Me. “In my timeline, after publishing The Winds of Winter the Litmonger faction that favoured invasion finally won the argument, after a particularly punishing online debate over the twist that Jon Snow is capable of time travel and is in fact his own father.”

“What?” I cried. “That was a tremendous, well-foreshadowed revelation. I was very disappointed they went in a different direction on the TV show.”

“Anyway,” said the Alternative Bearded One, moving hurriedly on. “The Litmongers invaded in full force, sweeping across the globe in a tidal wave of terror before finally triumphing. Even the mighty forces of the American military under President Sanders were unable to stop them.”

Clearly there were other changes between our timelines. But now the full weight of the horror wrought upon that world struck me. “So there was no hope? No victories to speak of?”

“Well, the Litmongers destroyed the United States from west to east, so technically the Giants won the NFL that year by dint of the other teams all being driven insane before being immolated ahead of them.” Ah, almost worth it. We fistbumped.

“So what can I do?”

“Stall! The Litmongers have a limited time before they must return to their own world through hyperspace, after which it will be millennia before they can regroup and return. After another (indeterminate)  you can publish The Winds of Winter safely, without it resulting in the utter ruination of lifekind as we know it.”

“Very well.” I knew with a heavy heart that this was the way it would have to be.

“Also, that storyline you ditched where Melisandre imbued Stannis with the power of R’hllor and turned him into the Human Torch? Do that, that was awesome.”

Alterno-GRRM again tore open a hole between realities, ready to return to the hellscape that had been his homeworld. “Wait!” I cried. “You do not have to live your life in that terrible place, you can stay here and survive in peace.”

“A tempting offer. Tell me, are there any other changes between our realities?”

After explaining our changed political situation, MechaMartin considered a moment, whilst the tormented shrieks of uncounted legions lost beyond all hope seeped through the gate behind him.

“Well, sometimes the devil you know, eh?” he finally concluded, before stepping through the portal and shutting it behind him.

So there you have it, loyal readers. The Winds of Winter can only be published when doing so would not result in the extinction of humanity, and that time will be goto 50%%%%*$$$&…

CALL OF DUTY: UNITED NATIONS DIPLOMAT announced

Activision have announced that the next game in their popular Call of Duty franchise will be called United Nations Diplomat and will feature the player experiencing the cut and thrust world of high-level international politics.

"It's a departure for the series," Activision CEO Robert Kotick admitted. "But after twelve years and eleven games the well was kind of running dry. What were we going to do? Release another mild evolution in the series with slightly better graphics, newer guns and more enemies to kill? Who'd want to play that?"

Activision invited fans to play a test build of the game to get some early feedback.

"I wasn't sure what to expect", experienced player "Heavydixxx" reported. "The game started and my character was sitting around this big table with all these other dudes, and one of them started talking about the need for greater international investment in his country's infrastructure. I kept thinking it was just the intro cinematic for a mission where I parachuted into his capital under the cover of night to expose Russian agitators by shooting them in the face, but the talking just kept going on and on. Occasionally I got to press a button to choose between making a fruitful contribution or being mildly snarky to the Chinese representative. It was different, I guess."

Player "Helpful Desperado" concurred. "At one point the Israeli ambassador stood up and said that Iran was developing nuclear bombs, and I was thinking it was all going to go off. But then he sat down, and the Iranian ambassador got up and said that they were not, in fact, developing nuclear bombs. Then someone else said there should be talks about it. And more talks." He praised the game's immersive realism. "Literally, it felt like three months passed before I finally got the 'Controversial Compromise' achievement." He then added, "Worth it," whilst looking confused.

Player "Thug 4 Life" did report that the endgame sequence was compelling. "There was this virus on the loose in Africa, somewhere, and we had to make hardcore decisions in an instant and if you got it wrong the virus wiped out half the continent. That was really good, and sets up the sequel, Post Apocalyptic Warfare".

Asked about the game's commercial prospects, one Activision shareholder was reported as weeping quietly in a corner whilst saying, "Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?" to himself.

The game is still expected to sell somewhere between 1 and 11 billion copies on day of release.

Daniel Day-Lewis cast in GAME OF THRONES

Multi-Oscar-winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis has been cast in Season 5 of Game of Thrones, sources confirmed today.

Day-Lewis, shortly before sunning himself on a passing iceberg to get into character.

"I was impressed by the depth of character achieved by the writers and wanted to be part of this amazing story," the actor reportedly said. "So I looked in the books to find an upcoming character that I could sink my teeth into. That's why I chose the role of Casso."

Casso, King of Seals, is a noble seal encountered on the streets of the Free City of Braavos. He is a seal.

"I immediately identified with the inherent nobility of Casso and his internal pain, which I thought I could embody effectively."

Casso is still a seal.

A seal.

"We were, of course, delighted," said a clearly baffled David Benioff, executive producer on the show. "I mean, it's Day-Lewis, so of course we were on board. Then he said he wanted to play a seal and we were like, ....okay, I guess."

Day-Lewis is already doing his research for the role, spending hours researching the movement of seals and practising their surprisingly varied and subtle array of vocalisations.

"He insisted on auditioning," producer Dan Weiss confirmed. "He remained in character throughout, so the interview consisted of him coming in and barking at us in a seal-like fashion for an hour. Clearly, it was the greatest moment of my career, being barked at like a seal by Daniel Day-Lewis whilst he ate raw fish. For ages."

"I was excited to hear about the idea," novelist George R.R. Martin commented. "Especially as Casso has some major stuff coming up in The Winds of Winter." When pressed on the rumour that Casso may be the 'Pinniped That Was Promised', Martin chose not to comment.

Season 5 has not been formally confirmed yet, but HBO are likely to do so once Season 4 starts airing next week, unless they've decided they don't like money. And sweeping the Emmies next year with Day-Lewis's performance.

Gene Wolfe's BOOK OF THE NEW SUN to be a movie series

News has broken that Gene Wolfe's Book of the New Sun is to become a series of blockbuster Hollywood movies.

The four-volume series - actually one long, sustained novel split into four volumes due to length - is widely-regarded as one of the pinnacles of science fiction and fantasy literature, once described by The Guardian newspaper as SF's answer to Ulysses. A dense and complex tale, The Book of the New Sun follows the journey of a torturer, Severian, across a fantastical landscape to a distant city. Along the way he becomes a powerful figure, and the book suggests that Severian is an unreliable narrator who is changing aspects of his story for unknown purposes. The series has inspired significant discussion of its themes and complex characterisation since it was first published in 1980-83.

Handling the movie version will be veteran Hollywood director Michael Bay. Despite being best-known for his action movies featuring numerous and impressive explosions, Bay claims that the films will be extremely faithful to the books, and he will not sacrifice the books' subtle narrative aspects in favour of spectacle. "Plus I'm never going to get that Best Picture Award if I keep making films about Marky Mark talking to Optimus Prime, you know what I'm saying?"

Author Gene Wolfe has reported that he is happy with the script he has read, acknowledging that of course some changes are to be expected to make the dense work a better fit for the big screen. "Although I must admit I was initially unsure about the scene when Severian salvages an ancient helicopter gunship equipped with rotary laser miniguns and uses it to engage in battle with triple-headed mutants, Michael explained to me the deep thematic resonance of how the scene reflects the inherent nobility of the human spirit. Or something."

Early concept art suggests the film will feature a 'fresh interpretation' of the sword Terminus Est.

Bay confirms that Wolfe has been consulted at all levels of the project, including casting. "For the role of Severian I was initially considering Taylor Lautner, but Gene was determined that we get an experienced, method actor who could really embody the role's complexity. We compromised on Jack Black."

Black confirmed that he did, "Not have a f*****g clue what is going on," in the script but took the project on because the books' artwork "Totally looked like heavy metal album covers."


The Book of the New Sun: The Shadow of the Torturer will be released in cinemas the day after hell freezes over.