Gratuitous Lists: The Grand Theft Auto Games, Ranked

19 November marks the release of the video game Grand Theft Auto VI, arguably the most eagerly-awaited entertainment product in history. This will be the eighth mainline entry in the Grand Theft Auto series, the first new game in the series in thirteen years, the first to launch on current hardware and the first to feature a named female protagonist (alongside a male one). With Grand Theft Auto V having sold over 230 million copies and made over $10 billion in lifetime revenue, expectations are high that GTA6 will be the biggest-selling game of the year, if not the decade. Enormous numbers of people will be playing it in a fortnight's time.

I'm not one of them though, as regular readers will be aware that I game on PC, and GTA6's PC version is not expected until next year at the earliest. However, with the game looming on the horizon, I did revisit the previous games in the series a few years back and decided to throw together a Gratuitous List of how good they are, because why not?

I haven't played most of the mobile spin-offs (Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories and so forth), so this list is restricted to the main games in the series.

7: Grand Theft Auto 2 (1999)

Grand Theft Auto 2 was released in 1999 and was the first game in the series to be worked on by writer Dan Houser. The game retained the overhead viewpoint from the original game, with enhanced lighting, but intriguingly shifted setting dramatically. Rather than being set in the present day in locations based on real cities, the game moved to a futuristic, almost cyberpunk setting with the bizarre "Anywhere City," which is divided into three different districts the player moves between. As with the original game, the player takes on missions from various criminals and organisations to improve their own standing. There is a faction scoring system, and more of a focus on the game's soundtrack. The "Head Radio" station also makes its first appearance.

In many respects the game is more polished than the original and features a more believable world, with gangs sometimes engaging one another and the police in combat and criminals robbing civilians on the street without your involvement. However, the sci-fi future setting feels at odds with the Grand Theft Auto experience, which is better rooted in a real or almost-real world. The idea of a futuristic open-world city game is a good one, it's just not executed well within the GTA framework, and arguably wouldn't be until Cyberpunk 2077 twenty-one years later. As it stands, this is merely adequate.

6: Grand Theft Auto, London 1969 and London 1961  (1997-99)

The original Grand Theft Auto and its two expansion packs, London 1969 and London 1961, have definitely dated since their release, but there's still fun to be had in the absolutely shameless destruction the player unleashes on the three metropolises of Liberty City, Vice City and San Andreas, skipping town whenever the heat gets too much. The almost totally-nonexistent story and characters compared to later games is surprising these days, but the anarchic chaos you can unleash and get rewarded for can still while away an hour or two before you have to conclude that literally all of the later games can do this better and with more flavour. Also being able to see far enough down the road to drive fast without crashing into things is nice.

Still, it's very intriguing to see how the franchise first started, and the two expansions provide an interesting look at the GTA world outside of the United States, as well as idea of turning the series into a period piece, an idea the series would later return to.

5: Grand Theft Auto III (2001)

Arguably Event One for the open-world action-adventure genre. There'd been attempts beforehand, but GTA3 arguably nailed it better than ever. A 3D city packed with missions, side-jobs and random activities. Become a hitman for the mafia, but moonlight as a taxi driver or paramedic. Cause absolute have in cars, tanks and speedboats. Race cars, punch random people in the head and listen to a deranged radio talk show hosted by a guy called Lazlow (here the Only Sane Man in the Room rather than the increasingly depraved pervert of later games).

Undeniably influential and important, though in retrospect very much a prototype for what came after. The story and cast of characters is much more important than in GTA1 and 2, but still nothing compared to what comes after. The silent protagonist now feels a bit weird, and the low stakes and small city by modern standards can be a bit stifling. But in 2001 it was revolutionary, and indeed heralded the revolution.

4: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (2002)

Conceived as a GTA3 expansion and developed only in nine months, Vice City is impressive for both clearly being rooted in its forebear whilst being so much better. A bigger, more colourful city, the period 1980s setting, the fantastic soundtrack (for the first time with some recognisable big hits), the fully-voiced protagonist (by Ray Liotta, no less), the uptick in biting satire and the ability to buy property, run businesses and fly helicopters and seaplanes all combine to make a much more compelling gaming experience.

On the minus side, some absurd difficulty spike missions (using radio-controlled helicopters to position bombs in a building) could make the game briefly into a joyless slog, and main character Tommy Vercetti is easily the most loathsome protagonist in a GTA game to date, though arguably his journey from wronged chump to Scarface is well-executed. It's just a surprise - though maybe still a fun one -  to find yourself playing the outright villain of the game.

3: Grand Theft Auto V (2013)

The most recent and best-looking GTA game, for the next thirteen days anyway, GTA5 is probably the most obvious entry point to the franchise as well. It's also the longest game in the series (for now, anyway), has the largest map (etc) and its structure of having three protagonists you switch between is arguably the most ambitious and interesting idea Rockstar have had for the series (GTA6 only gives you two). It's a hugely compelling and playable game with a lot of fun, and some impressive tennis and golf minigames.

Why doesn't it come in higher? The main problem the game has is tone, it's trying to merge the more grounded crime drama of GTA4 with the zany insanity of late San Andreas and falls down somewhere in the middle. It feels like it would have been better to have either been more serious or more comedic and stuck to that tone, and it would have worked (Rockstar picked a lane with the more serious, grittier Red Dead Redemption 2 and it paid off splendidly). The other option would have been to move linearly over time from one tone to another, as San Andreas did, but the three-character structure encourages a more chaotic merging of the ideas. I'd also argue the game fails in its main idea of having three interesting protagonists, as the game is really just the Trevor & Michael Show, with Franklin occasionally showing up (with the occasional feeling they're trying hard not to have Franklin become CJ Mk. 2 from San Andreas and make the mistake of making him too bland to compensate).

This also doesn't account for GTA Online, which of course offers a multiplayer experience with vast amounts of new vehicles, weapons and missions, which some people have lost thousands of hours to over the last decade.

2: Grand Theft Auto IV, The Lost & The Damned, and The Ballad of Gay Tony (2008-09)

Grand Theft Auto IV pivoted hard from the barking madness of San Andreas to deliver a gritty, grounded crime story about the American Dream as seen by an immigrant trying to escape his violent past and dragged back into violence and murder. It feels like this game was written by Dan Houser after bingeing on nothing but HBO dramas for six months solid. The dark humour of the series is still here, but used more sparingly than in previous games.

The move surprisingly worked, helping assuage fan complaints over heavier-feeling cars and a smaller map than San Andreas. Some of the best voice work in the series and then-incredible HD graphics combined with the best combat in the series to date to make for a really compelling game. The game's reputation for being a bit of a downer was mitigated by its expansions. The Lost & The Damned is about a motorcycle club going through tough times, whilst The Ballad of Gay Tony sees you playing bodyguard to a flamboyant nightclub owner. Cleverly, the three storylines entwine around one another, with you not finding out the real story of a heist that goes wrong in the original game until you've played both expansions.

1: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (2004)

GTA3 spanned a small city, Vice City spanned a bigger, hotter city and San Andreas spans an entire state, home to three separate cities (Los Santos, San Fierro and Las Venturas), half a dozen small towns and impressive areas of desert, forest and mountain. Over twice as long as GTA3 and featuring an immense cast of heroes, villains and deranged oddballs, San Andreas allowed protagonist CJ to hit the gym and become a musclebound hero, or pork out and become totally spherical. CJ can also fly jet aircraft and, in a first for the series, swim. As well as taking over businesses, you can lead your criminal gang to take over entire neighbourhoods. San Andreas feels like The Lord of the Rings to Vice City's The Hobbit: something that is right across the board bigger, better, more interesting and more fun.

San Andreas plays out like a TV show with four distinct seasons, each one more bananas than before. The first feels heavily inspired by Boyz n the Hood, with a touch of The Wire added, being grounded in the urban dystopia of gang-controlled Los Santos. The second act has CJ blackmailed into doing crimes for the police, but thanks to a conspiracy theorist hippy and a blind racing driver, he becomes a business owner magnate in San Fierro. The third loses all touch with reality and has CJ breaking into Area 51 in a jetpack to steal an experimental aircraft whilst beating enemies to death with a dildo, between planning robberies on casinos in Las Venturas. The final act has CJ returning home to wrap up business and seize control of Los Santos's criminal underworld using his new resources and allies. It's a compelling arc almost gleeful in the twists the story takes along the way, helped by CJ being arguably the most likeable protagonist in the series (though it's up to you whether you make him a hero, antihero or psychotic villain). The sheer amount of fun the game lets you have overcomes its dated visuals and occasionally corny dialogue.

Where will Grand Theft Auto VI sit on the list? The game promises to be a mixture of the heavier drama of Red Dead Redemption 2 and the lighter, sunnier tone of Grand Theft Auto V, in the most visually stunning game in the series to date. It'll be interesting to see where the consensus on it rests.

Gratuitous Lists: List of DOCTOR WHO Doctors by appearances and tenure

New year, so a new series of Gratuitous Lists! These lists don't need to exist, but here the hell they are anyway. First up, a list of Doctors in Doctor Who, by appearances and tenure.

This list is divided into two formats. First up is a list of the Doctors by the number of appearances they made. This, very roughly, translates as how many episodes they were in (inspired by the methodology in this Reddit post). However, because the length of Doctor Who episodes has fluctuated dramatically over the years, I had to massage these figures to make them fair. So an appearance corresponds to a 25-minute episode, the average length of Doctor Who episodes from 1963 to 1989 and the base "unit" of Doctor Who, if you will. For the modern era of Doctor Who, with episode lengths ranging from 45 minutes to 75 minutes, I combined the lengths of all the episodes for each run and then divided them into 25-minute increments to get their approximate screentime. The only way to be more accurate is to rewatch all 500+ hours of the entire series with a stopwatch, which is going too far even for me.

An appearance includes any new material shot for that Doctor, including their "main" run on the show and subsequent reunion episodes. This also includes material with new actors playing the Doctor. It does not include appearances of the Doctor in archival footage only. So, for example, the First Doctor's appearances in Listen and The Five Doctors count, even if the Doctor is played by a different actor to William Hartnell, but his archive-only footage from The Name of the Doctor and Day of the Doctor is not counted.

Appearances only as part of the Doctor Who TV show are counted. Appearances in various BBC science programmes or spin-offs such as The Sarah Jane Adventures and Class are not counted. The non-canonical Dimensions in Time and Curse of the Fatal Death are also ignored. However, the canonical Time Crash and The Night of the Doctor are included. Out-of-universe fictional stories about the making of the programme, such as An Adventure in Space and Time and The Five(ish) Doctors Reboot, are also not counted.

The second format is by tenure, that is the length of time each Doctor was the "current" Doctor on-screen. This was more straightforward. I counted the tenure of each Doctor starting from the end of the previous regeneration, with the new actor identifiable on screen. So this counts Jon Pertwee's stint as the Third Doctor beginning from the start of Spearhead from Space, not the previous serial The War Games, because the regeneration was not complete at the end of The War Games. However, the Fourth Doctor's tenure is noted as beginning at the end of Planet of the Spiders because Tom Baker appears in the role (albeit comatose with no dialogue). The new show's unofficial rule that the new Doctor gets a few lines of dialogue before the episode ends has made this a bit easier as well.

The Fourth Doctor (Tom Baker) is the most prolific Doctor in terms of appearances in the role, as well as having the longest tenure when treated by contiguous appearances. However, he is notable for only returning to Doctor Who after his initial run through either earlier-shoot footage (in The Five Doctors) or by playing a later incarnation of the Doctor, as "the Curator" in 2013 special The Day of the Doctor.

List of Doctors by Appearances

1. The Fourth Doctor: 175 appearances (1974-81, 83)
2. The First Doctor: 146 appearances (1963-66, 73, 83, 2014, 17)
3. The Second Doctor: 134 appearances (1966-69, 73, 83, 85)
4. The Third Doctor: 132 appearances (1970-74, 83)
5. The Tenth Doctor: 95 appearances (2005-10, 13)
6. The Eleventh Doctor: 83 appearances (2010-13, 14)
7. The Twelfth Doctor: 76 appearances (2013-17)
8. The Fifth Doctor: 76 appearances (1981-84, 2007)
9. The Thirteenth Doctor: 68 appearances (2017-22)
10. The Sixth Doctor: 44 appearances (1984-86)
11. The Seventh Doctor: 43 appearances (1987-89, 96)
12. The Ninth Doctor: 23 appearances (2005)
13. The Eighth Doctor: 4 appearances (1996, 2013)

As expected, the Fourth Doctor as played by Tom Baker wracks up the largest number of appearances by his sheer longevity: he starred as the Doctor in seven full seasons of the show from 1974 to 1981 and made a brief comeback in The Five Doctors, albeit in scenes shot for a serial that was left incomplete due to industrial action (I have counted The Five Doctors but not Shada for this reason; if you count Shada as being completed later on through animation and audio voiceovers, you can increase his count by 6 and arguably decrease his count for 2 for The Five Doctors, as he only appears at the start and end of the serial).

The First Doctor gets the prize for the longest span of appearances, with just over 54 years elapsing between his first appearance in An Unearthly Child (1963), played by William Hartnell, and his last appearance in Twice Upon a Time (2017), played by David Bradley. His already-formidable appearance count is buoyed even further by return appearances in anniversary specials The Three Doctors (1973) and The Five Doctors (1983) and brief appearances (as a young child) in Listen (2014) and, also played by Bradley, in The Doctor Falls (2017).

Most of the other counts are self-explanatory: the Eleventh Doctor gets an extra appearance by appearing in specially-recorded, brand-new footage for Deep Breath (2014), and the Fifth for his appearance in 2007 mini-episode Time Crash. So far, the Sixth, Ninth and Twelfth Doctors are anomalous for not getting any further on-screen reprisals of their roles after their main period of incumbency ends; the Twelfth Doctor is so far unique in that he gets a pre-prisal by appearing in The Day of the Doctor before his main period as the Doctor commences. The Sixth and Ninth do appear in archive footage in Day of the Doctor, though.

If you wish to count the War Doctor as played by John Hurt in 2013, his appearance count would also be 4, consisting of three for The Day of the Doctor and his appearance at the end of The Name of the Doctor. The Night of the Doctor uses archival footage of John Hurt as a young man, so is not counted. He'd be equal with the Eighth Doctor, but the Eighth Doctor would break the tie because his 1996 TV movie was a 90-minute special as opposed to the War Doctor's 75-minute special, and the Eighth Doctor's greater period of incumbency (1996-2005), being a numbered Doctor and having a larger number of spin-off appearances.

The Fugitive Doctor as played by Jo Martin has appeared in three episodes (Fugitive of the Judoon, The Timeless Children and Once, Upon Time), though she only has a major role in Fugitive and cameos in the latter two episodes. This would arguably make her appearance count as 4 as well (to date).

The Curator, as played by Tom Baker in The Day of the Doctor, qualifies for 1 appearance as well (to date).

The Thirteenth Doctor (Jodie Whittaker) will be the second-longest-running Doctor in terms of tenure by the time she exits the role in October 2022. Despite this, she will only rank ninth in number of appearances. This is due to the very long gaps between new episodes airing during her time in the role, for which the BBC has been heavily criticised.

List of Doctors by Tenure

1. The Fourth Doctor: 2478 days (6 years, 9 months, 13 days)
2. The Thirteenth Doctor: 1758 days (4 years, 9 months, 28 days)
3. The Tenth Doctor: 1658 days (4 years, 6 months, 14 days)
4. The Third Doctor: 1617 days (4 years 5 months, 5 days)
5. The Twelfth Doctor: 1461 days (4 years)
6. The Eleventh Doctor: 1454 days (3 years, 11 months, 24 days)
7. The Fifth Doctor: 1091 days (2 years, 11 months, 24 days)
8. The First Doctor: 1071 days (2 years, 11 months, 6 days)
9. The Sixth Doctor: 995 days (2 years, 8 months, 20 days)
10. The Second Doctor: 966 days (2 years, 7 months, 23 days)
11. The Seventh Doctor: 821 days (2 years, 2 months, 29 days)*
12. The Ninth Doctor: 84 days (2 months, 23 days)
13. The Eighth Doctor: 90 minutes**

* This counts the Seventh Doctor's appearances on-screen only. However, the Seventh Doctor was the incumbent Doctor for 3170 days (8 years, 8 months and 5 days) between September 1987 and May 1996 and was listed and shown as such in all spin-off media produced during that time. The Seventh Doctor also has a stronger argument for this being his "actual" tenure because he reappears at the start of the 1996 TV movie and regenerates into the Eighth Doctor on-screen, and also appears as the "current" Doctor in the non-canonical Dimensions in Time 30th Anniversary TV special in 1993.

** This counts the Eighth Doctor's appearance on-screen only. However, the Eighth Doctor was the incumbent Doctor for 3240 days (8 years, 10 months and 14 days) between May 1996 and March 2005, and was listed and shown as such in most spin-off media produced during that time.

We can therefore re-order the list as follows, for completeness's sake:

The Eighth Doctor (Paul McGann) had the shortest period of contiguous appearances as the Doctor (just 90 minutes) whilst simultaneously being the actor longest in the role as the "current" Doctor (from 1996 to 2005). He also holds the record for the longest period between his regeneration from the previous Doctor (in the 1996 TV movie) and his regeneration into the next one (in 2013 flashback mini-episode The Night of the Doctor).

List of Doctors by Incumbency:

1. The Eighth Doctor: 3240 days (8 years, 10 months and 14 days)
2. The Seventh Doctor: 3170 days (8 years, 8 months, 5 days)
3. The Fourth Doctor: 2478 days (6 years, 9 months, 13 days)
4. The Thirteenth Doctor: 1758 days (4 years, 9 months, 28 days)
5. The Tenth Doctor: 1658 days (4 years, 6 months, 14 days)
6. The Third Doctor: 1617 days (4 years 5 months, 5 days)
7. The Twelfth Doctor: 1461 days (4 years)
8. The Eleventh Doctor: 1454 days (3 years, 11 months, 24 days)
9. The Fifth Doctor: 1091 days (2 years, 11 months, 24 days)
10. The First Doctor: 1071 days (2 years, 11 months, 6 days)
11. The Sixth Doctor: 995 days (2 years, 8 months, 20 days)
12. The Second Doctor: 966 days (2 years, 7 months, 23 days)
13. The Ninth Doctor: 84 days (2 months, 23 days)

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Gratuitous Lists: The Command & Conquer Games, Ranked

The original philosophy of the Gratuitous Lists feature was to have lists of stuff that are unranked, because frankly if you're talking about the 12th best thing of all time or the 9th best thing of all time, the differences are going to be pretty minor. In the case of a Command & Conquer video game list, however, that's kind of pointless because there's too few things to put on the list. So for this one I'm ranking them and people can argue away to their heart's content. So let us proceed.

9. Command & Conquer: Renegade
Released February 2002

Back at the turn of the century, Westwood hit on the idea of expanding the Command & Conquer franchise to other genres. This wasn't a bad idea - Blizzard was only two years from turning their WarCraft franchise from one of the biggest names in strategy to the biggest name in online roleplaying games - but it felt a bit late in the day, with the popularity of the series having arguably already peaked. Still, a FPS version of the game with you playing the commando from the original game, blowing up fairly faithful 3D recreations of buildings from the franchise, was a fun idea. The execution wasn't. Compared to contemporary FPS games, Renegade was stodgy and disappointing, with a risible and forgettable storyline.

8. Command & Conquer 4: Tiberian Twilight
Released March 2010

At the tail end of the last decade the RTS genre seemed to be running scared from the rise of its all-conquering bastard child, the MOBA, so decided to incorporate MOBA-like elements into their games. This resulted in the disappointing Dawn of War II and seems to have at least partially inspired the decision to strip out traditional base-building and resource-gathering from Command & Conquer 4 to focus on all action, all the time. The problem is that Command & Conquer is so inextricably bound to those concepts that if you remove them, the game becomes just a generic action title, especially if you don't find another solution (such as Company of Heroes' clever use of fortifying battlefield strategic points). The result was a game that was playable but fairly stale and uninteresting, a shame for what is (so far) the final mainline entry in the series.

7. Command & Conquer: Tiberian Dawn
Released September 1995

The OG Command & Conquer game gets massive props for its evolution of the genre and introducing many characters and concepts that would be expanded over the next decade and a half. However, it's also clunky, old-skool and frustrating. The single-player campaign seems averse to actually just letting you build a base and attack the enemy, instead throwing gimmick level after gimmick level at you until your eyes glaze. Unit balance is also highly questionable (infantry are far too powerful in numbers again much heavier units that should make mincemeat of them) and the pace is far too slow. Excellent in its day, but almost immediately superseded by its own successors, but it deserves kudos for getting the ball rolling on the franchise.

6. Command & Conquer: Tiberian Sun
Released August 1999

The sequel to the original Command & Conquer game saw the return of Kane and added a whole lot of star power to the game with James Earl Jones and Michael Biehn. The post-apocalyptic setting and the brave decision to move away from tanks in favour of giant mechs also showed that Westwood were not content to sit on their laurels and were willing to experiment. However, the pace of gameplay was slow, the mech units lacked character and the game felt massively underwhelming compared to the opposition. There was fun to be had in the game, but it really didn't feel like a Command & Conquer game and certainly provided no trouble for the all-conquering StarCraft's domination of online multiplayer.

5. Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3
Released October 2008

By the time EA released Red Alert 3, the secret appeal of this spin-off series had become apparent: the inherent lunacy and high camp of the alternate history pitting the Soviets and the Allies against one another. So Red Alert 3 took these elements and dialed them up way beyond 11. Tim Curry's scenery-destroying turn as the main villain (including, yes, that line) stole the headlines, but George Takei's barking mad portrayal of the Emperor of the Rising Sun and a prevalence of models in skimpy clothing fighting a desperate war for survival are also worthy (?) of notice. These elements tended to detract from the gameplay, which was relatively solid if a little overfond of stereotypical gimmicks such as the Empire's giant samurai mecha and planes which could transform into tanks. There's an enjoyable game to be found here, but the developers could have benefited to learn from "less is more" when it comes to the story and packaging.

4. Command & Conquer: Red Alert
Released November 1996

The original Red Alert took everything that made the original Command & Conquer great and refined it. The two factions are much better-balanced, units have more clearly-defined roles and the pace of gameplay is faster and more furious, making for much better multiplayer and skirmish matches. The singleplayer campaigns are also less frustrating and more fun. Red Alert is the first real classic game in the series and the one that defined it for future generations. Also, the inherent lunacy of receiving in-game orders from Stalin never gets old.

3. Command & Conquer: Generals
Released February 2003

This was a somewhat controversial game in the series on release, with EA's eagerness to cash in on and monetise the War on Terror being one of the most distasteful moves in its history. To the credit of the developers, they took the idea and ran with it to create the first proper 3D game in the series' history and to craft three well-balanced but asymmetrical sides. The original game was solid, but it was the Zero Hour expansion that fleshed out the three factions and added much more dynamic and exciting career specialisations that resulted in some pretty epic battles. This was also the first game in the series that allowed you to build multiple superweapons, resulting in some pretty absurd engagements that went beyond anything seen before (my favourite battle ending in no less than 25 ion cannons simultaneously firing at the enemy base).

2. Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars
Released March 2007

Tiberium Wars took the original Tiberian universe and melded it with the Generals engine to create the best of the modern C&C games, with an all-star cast keeping the FMV (packed with then-hot actors from Lost and Battlestar Galactica) just on the right side of camp and probably the best storyline in the series, with the escalating battles between GDI and Nod finally triggering the long-awaited invasion of the alien Scrin and refreshing a series dynamic that was threatening to get a bit stale. The expansion, Kane's Wrath, also did a fine redeeming job by converting many of the Tiberian Sun units to the new engine and acting as a bridge between games in the series. Thoroughly enjoyable.

1. Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2
Released October 2000

The best Command & Conquer game combined elements from its predecessors: the fast and furious gameplay and superior unit selection and faction balance from Red Alert combined with the technologically superior engine from Tiberian Sun. The game also took a massive ton of ideas from the then-best RTS on the market, StarCraft. The result is the best game in the series, with a storyline that further leans into the camp than the original Red Alert but doesn't go completely berserk with it like the later Red Alert 3, and in Yuri finds a villain to rival Kane. We can only hope EA are planning a remaster of this game up next.

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Gratuitous Lists: The Star Wars Movies Ranked (updated again)

The philosophy of the Gratuitous Lists feature was to have lists of stuff that are unranked, because frankly if you're talking about the 12th best thing of all time or the 9th best thing of all time, the differences are going to be pretty minor. In the case of a Star Wars movie list, however, that's kind of pointless because there's too few things to put on the list. So for these ones I'm ranking them and people can argue away to their heart's content. So let us proceed.

For the record, Lucasfilm have seemingly ruled both Caravan of Courage (1984) and The Battle for Endor (1985) - which were both released in cinemas in Europe - as non-canon, so I'm going with the eleven Star Wars movies theatrically released since 1977.

Previous versions of this list appeared in 2018 and 2016.

12. The Clone Wars
Released 15 August 2008 • Directed by Dave Filoni • Written by Henry Gilroy, Steven Melching and Scott Murphy

Over the course of five-and-a-half seasons, The Clone Wars evolved into a fantastic, gripping and fun pulp SF adventure show. However, it took a while to get there. The first few episodes were made on a limited budget with very few CG assets, whilst producer Dave Filoni and his team were still finding their feet with pacing and characterisation. George Lucas was a little bit too impressed by what the guys at Lucasfilm Animation had achieved when he decided it was good enough quality to go on the big screen. Coming in the same year as Wall-E and with a juvenile tone that turned off adult Star Wars fans, The Clone Wars just couldn't cut it.

If some of the later, much better arcs and episodes had been made into an animated film, the results may have been different.

11. Attack of the Clones
Released 16 May 2002 • Directed by George Lucas • Written by George Lucas & Jonathan Hales

Well, where to start? The worst live-action Star Wars movie has the most risible performances, dialogue (including the epic "hatred of sand" speech), execrable plotting and confused structural tics out of all of them. It's embarrassing to see actors of the calibre of Natalie Portman and Christopher Lee working with scripts this awful and the hyper-polished CGI sheen over the effects is sterile and uninvolving. Hayden Christensen isn't quite as bad as is often said (given that even Samuel L. Jackson and Ewan McGregor are struggling with this material, Christensen doesn't really disgrace himself) but is still an uninteresting protagonist. Even John Williams is feeling uninspired, only rising to the occasion in his score when he revisits themes from previous movies.

10. Revenge of the Sith

Released 19 May 2005 • Directed by George Lucas • Written by George Lucas

Revenge of the Sith and The Phantom Menace are at a very similar level of quality and you could swap their positions quite easily. Sith, for me, falls short for several reasons. The first is that the utterly pointless CG overload of Attack of the Clones is pursued and doubled down on in Revenge of the Sith, making the film feel even more artificial and sterile. The next is that the dialogue has somehow even gotten worse, along with the performances. Natalie Portman's cringe-inducing "You're breaking my heart!" and Ewan McGregor's completely flummoxed reaction to Anakin murdering children are both awful pieces of acting.

There are some good moments in Sith - the dialogue-less moment where Anakin decides to betray the Republic and the execution of Order 66 - and John Williams remembers to show up with a couple of excellent scoring moments, but the long-awaited Obi-Wan/Anakin lightsabre showdown is awful and the conclusion of the Clone Wars is bitty and unsatisfying. Revenge of the Sith had the potential for greatness and wastes it thanks to George Lucas's ego. On that level Revenge of the Sith isn't the worst Star Wars movie but it is, easily, the most disappointing.

9. The Phantom Menace
Released 19 May 1999 • Directed by George Lucas • Written by George Lucas

Enjoying The Phantom Menace is possible, especially if you cheat and watch The Phantom Edit (which cuts out the majority of Jar-Jar scenes and dramatically reduces the "endearing" antics of little Anakin). But even the original edit is fine if you can simply ignore Jar-Jar. The Phantom Menace emerges as (marginally) the best film of the prequel trilogy thanks to its absolutely stellar soundtrack (a never-better John Williams), the grounded, inspiring presence of Liam Neeson as Qui-Gon Jinn and the use of real sets and models for many of the effects. It also helps that our main villain Darth Maul almost never speaks, so retains some menace rather than losing it by uttering inanely awful dialogue. Some CG overload is still present, but it's nothing as bad as the latter two prequel movies. There's also a pacier feel to events, with the shifts in location and plot meaning that weaker scenes don't drag on as long as they do in the two other prequels, and the movie may feature the prequel trilogy's best set-piece with the pod racing sequence, as well as its best (if occasionally showiest) lightsabre duel.

It's still an enormously flawed film with plot holes you can drive a Star Destroyer through, of course, but not quite as awful as its reputation suggests.

8. The Rise of Skywalker
Released 19 December 2019 • Directed by J.J. Abrams • Written by J.J. Abrams

J.J. Abrams course-correcting from the divisive Last Jedi meant doing two things with The Rise of Skywalker. The very good thing is focusing even more on the Kylo Ren/Rey relationship, which gives the film (and the whole sequel trilogy) its dramatic spine and several genuinely epic moments.

The bad thing is fanservice. Fanservice! Everywhere. If a classic Star Wars sound effect, spaceship or character doesn't show up in the extraordinarily loud and bombastic closing half-hour of the movie, it's not for want of trying.

At its best, the film is an epic and dramatic struggle between two characters struggling with their destinies. At its worst, it's an exercise in weaponised nostalgia, J.J. Abrams walking into the amphitheatre on Geonosis and playing the full four seconds of the film in which Wedge Antilles appears and screaming "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?" at baffled nine-year-olds.

But when the film works, it does tickle the old Star Wars magic out of hiding. It just feels like it struggles to do it as well the films higher up this list.

7. The Last Jedi
Released 15 December 2017 • Directed by Rian Johnson • Written by Rian Johnson

The Last Jedi is certainly not the worst Star Wars movie but it's clearly the most divisive. The film does so much so well - Luke Skywalker's return does not go the way you expect, the disturbing Rey/Kylo relationship is something Star Wars hasn't really done before and the signature lightsabre battle is outstanding - but also squanders a lot of goodwill through an utterly pointless filler storyline on a casino planet and some very strange character choices, along with a musical score phoned in by John Williams on an off day.

There's a huge amount of unrealised potential in the movie, which a few more rewrites and judicious editing could have fixed. But the biggest problem is that The Last Jedi does not follow through on its promise: Rey should have joined Kylo Ren at the end and either become the big villain for Episode IX, or perhaps tried to work to redeem him from within. By instead snapping back to the status quo at the end of the movie, it betrays its own promise to be an edgier and different kind of Star Wars movie. Instead, it returns things to normal and J.J. Abrams doesn't do anything too unpredictable in the next movie to keep things fresh.

6. Solo
Released 25 May 2018 • Directed by Ron Howard (with Phil Lord & Christopher Miller) • Written by Lawrence Kasdan & Jonathan Kasdan

This is a story that didn't really need to be told and there were audible groans when it was announced, but ultimately it ends up being a worthwhile ride. This is Star Wars in its purest form, a pulp space adventure with fun characters getting into hijinks against the backdrop of entertaining set pieces. There's some great quips, some fine performances (the best from Donald Glover as the young Lando Calrissian) and some rousing action.

Most impressive is Solo's ability to surprise, albeit in the form of opening up the ending to allow for a sequel (which is now unlikely to happen). Completely unexpected characters show up, one character whose storyline you thought you could write from the first scene goes in an unexpected direction and the movie overall rises above its troubled production (including the firing of the original directors halfway through production) to become a watchable, solid film.

5. The Force Awakens
Released 18 December 2015 • Directed by J.J. Abrams • Written by Michael Arndt, Lawrence Kasdan and J.J. Abrams

The Force Awakens is two movies sitting on top of one another. The first is the struggle of the Resistance to avoid the destruction of their hidden base by the First Order's planet-destroying superweapon, which is ludicrously powerful but has a rather-easily-exposed weakness. This plot is less than satisfying, since it's a retread of Star Wars (A New Hope). However, the second is the family drama of Han Solo and Princess Leia having a son strong in the Force who brutally betrays them, murders his way into a position of power in the First Order and embraces the Dark Side, but is constantly tempted by the lure of good. New character Rey has the chance to take his place as the new champion of the Force, but only if she can overcome her own limitations in the process.

This latter story is far more interesting and provides The Force Awakens with its real dramatic meat. Excellent performances by newcomers and old hands alike, excellent effects and John Williams dropping an awesome musical score combine to make a movie that couldn't feel any more Star Wars if it tried. Far from a perfect movie, the main problem with The Force Awakens is that it sometimes tries a little too hard to be Star Wars rather than going with the flow. But as franchise-resurrecting reboots go, this is impressive. The Pacific Rim of the Star Wars franchise: oh, oh so dumb, but so much fun you just don't care.

4. Rogue One
Released 16 December 2016 • Directed by Gareth Edwards • Written by John Knoll, Gary Whitta, Chris Weitz & Tony Gilroy

Rogue One is a fine movie with some fantastic performances, action sequences and individually powerful scenes. CG overload is mostly avoided and the film feels punchy, nailing The Dirty Dozen in Space vibe it is shooting for. The movie also, and rather surprisingly, justifies its existence by mostly avoiding continuity problems and fixing a couple of niggling problems in the original Star Wars.

On the negative side of things, characterisation can be a little variable (Jyn's motivations seem to have gotten lost in the edit) and the way the film ends is structurally messy, whilst the score is forgettable. But congratulations to Lucasfilm for having the resolve to end the film in the only manner that makes sense.

Rogue One is the big winner over previous lists, where I ranked it below The Force Awakens and Solo. In retrospect, Solo's big grin enjoyability doesn't endure through rewatches, whilst The Force Awakens' rewatchability is better but the film's sillier side does grate a bit more. Rogue One is the only one of the new-era Star Wars film which really creates a sense of weight and jeopardy, particularly in the utterly outstanding space battle (the only one outside the original trilogy that's worth a damn) and the decidedly grimmer tone of events.

3. Return of the Jedi
Released 25 May 1983 • Directed by Richard Marquand • Written by George Lucas and Lawrence Kasdan

Return of the Jedi always comes last from the original trilogy when these lists are written, which feels a little unfair. It's got the best space battle of the entire saga, it has a fantastic three-way showdown between Luke, Vader and the Emperor, it has awesome music and also some very fine dramatic moments (Luke and Vader's conversation at the docking platform may be the most underrated scene of the saga). Mark Hamill also gives arguably his best performance in this movie (although it's close between this one and Empire).

It's also a bit of a structurally weak film. Spending so much time at Jabba's palace doesn't quite work, since Jabba is a secondary villain not really worth the screentime he eats up. Also, and this is far more prevalent on marathons when you don't have three years between films, Han Solo's entire kidnap storyline feels like a waste of time given how easily it is resolved. Han and Lando's morally dubious sides have also been eroded away with both now straight-up good guys and white hats, which makes them a bit less interesting. And of course, Ewoks (although I've never had that big a problem with them).

But it's still a fine capstone to the first six films in the saga which earns its (mostly) happy ending.

2. Star Wars
Released 25 May 1977 • Directed by George Lucas • Written by George Lucas, Gloria Katz (uncredited) and Willard Huyck (uncredited)

This is where the fun begins. Released in 1977 and made on a modest budget, Star Wars (reluctantly aka A New Hope) utterly transformed cinema in a way not seen before or since. Watching it today, it's clearly the cheapest Star Wars movie but this also means it has to focus more on story, character and dialogue. It's also pacy and energetic, steered by a never-better George Lucas clearly realising he has the chance to reinvent the wheel here. A brilliant space battle, a tremendous musical score and some very effective Tunisian location filming all give the film a sense of scale and scope that goes beyond its meagre resources. Thrown in tremendous performances from Peter Cushing and Alec Guinness and a star-making turn by Harrison Ford, and the original Star Wars is still a brilliantly-conceived piece of entertainment.

1. The Empire Strikes Back
Released 21 May 1980 • Directed by Irvin Kershner • Written by George Lucas, Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan

The Empire Strikes Back being the best Star Wars movie has been clear for years, but it's still remarkable just how good it is. It goes dark compared to the original movie, but its power comes more from how invested the audience is in the relationships from the first movie and how effectively this sequel messes around with those relationships (Han and Leia hooking up wrong-foots the audience expecting her to get together with Luke). The film also feels more naturalistic, with director Irvin Kershner letting his actors breathe, discussing character motivation and improvise dialogue in manner that George Lucas was incapable of doing. Most importantly, new characters such as Yoda and Lando grab hold of the imagination and are just as strong as the returning characters, which is quite a feat for a sequel.

The film also has arguably the Star Wars saga's greatest effects set piece as the Millennium Falcon swoops balletically through an asteroid field with John Williams' soundtrack framing events perfectly, with the Battle of Hoth not far behind it in quality.

But of course the real reason the film emerges as the best in the saga is down to that climactic confrontation between Luke and Vader which turns what was supposed to be a disposable popcorn series into an epic, generation-spanning family tragedy. This remains the Star Wars bar of quality that needs to be beaten.

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Gratuitous Lists: Ten Shows That Should Be Rebooted

We live in the age of reboots. It feels like we can’t go a week or three without someone announcing a remake of a beloved, older property. From Ghostbusters (twice!) to Gremlins to Charmed to a third iteration of Battlestar Galactica, reboots are all the rage, many of them unnecessary or premature. 

But what about franchises that have been left fallow which should be rebooted, where a new version would be welcome because the original is very old, or because it was cancelled ahead of time, or because it never got enough recognition in its time? Here are ten shows which I think could rise again and be done interestingly.

Note that by the term reboot, I mean "a relaunch of an older franchise in a new form." This can be either a continuation of the original series but in a new viewer-friendly format – such as the 2005 Doctor Who and 2017 Star Trek “reboots,” and Sam Esmail’s recently-announced Battlestar relaunch – or a complete, from scratch remake of the original, such as Ronald D. Moore’s Battlestar Galactica or the recent version of Charmed. Or even the rare franchise which attempts both (such as, arguably, J.J. Abrams’ 2009 take on Star Trek).

Space: Above and Beyond

Originally airing for just a single season in 1995-96, this space opera series focused on the Wildcards, the 58th Squadron of the United States Marine Corps Space Aviator Cavalry, as they engaged in warfare with the alien “Chigs.” Set in 2063, the series depicts a human race who is on the ropes, their extrasolar colonies destroyed and their fleets forced back to the Solar system. It also doesn’t help that humanity also has an ambiguous relationship with the Silicates, humanoid artificial intelligences who have rebelled against their creators, and “In Vitroes,” genetically-engineered humans grown in tanks to help fight both the Silicates and the Chigs.

Space: Above and Beyond wears its influences on its sleeves – particularly the Wing Commander video game series – and, it has to be said, left much to be desired in terms of writing, acting and worldbuilding, particularly the fact that the main characters are simultaneously both elite fighter pilots and experienced ground combat troops. But there are some very good ideas in the show, with the murky three-way relationship between the humans, Silicates and “tanks” providing some interesting drama and contrasted against the alien invaders. Coming from some of the same creative team as The X-Files, the show also started exploring murky conspiracies which added some interesting depth to the show just before it ended on a huge cliffhanger. You’re also not going to forget the appearance of David Duchovny as an android pool shark in a hurry.

Some may feel that the revamped Battlestar Galactica has rendered a Space: Above and Beyond reboot pointless, as that show had a far superior grip on the nuances of space fighter pilots and where the desperate premise gave a better grounding for the idea of the pilots as multi-purpose troops, but there’s something interesting of the purity of a show which focuses so much on humans versus aliens, but has some added complexity to spice things up.

Ultraviolet

This Channel 4 mini-series aired in 1998 to immense critical acclaim and limited viewing figures, but has enjoyed a cult audience to this very day for several reasons. One of them is that it provided the first major role for Idris Elba, who plays supporting character Vaughn. Another is that it took the slightly barmy premise – vampires are real and such a threat to society that a secret government taskforce has spend decades hunting them – and treated it with earnest seriousness. The result is something that feels closer to The X-Files or a spy thriller than a traditional horror series or Buffy, with fantastic writing and direction from Joe Ahearne.

The cast was exceptional, with a pre-Pirates of the Caribbean Jack Davenport and a pre-True Blood Stephen Moyer leading a spectacular roster also including Elba, Susannah Harker and the fantastic Philip Quast (as the morally ambiguous leader of the taskforce), and with the vampires treated more like a disease or force of nature than forces of handsome temptation…at least until the last two episodes, which do much to make the premise and the nature of the enemy more questionable. An attempted American reboot of the show in 2000 failed to go beyond a pilot, although it did introduce Elba to American casting producers and set the scene for his casting in The Wire two years later.

This feels particularly ripe for a reboot. We’ve had a whole string of slightly campy and funny vampire shows in the last decade or so, but nothing with the menacing energy and total conviction that Ultraviolet had, and it’d be interesting to see it go beyond the first season into the more apocalyptic tone the series seemed to be setting up at the end.

Firefly

I mean, no list like this is going to be remotely complete without at least mentioning the great “missed opportunity” of 2000s space operas, Firefly. Joss Whedon’s much-admired (if thematically-challenged; why are we rooting for the Space Confederates again?) space western lasted only 14 episodes in 2002 before Fox managed to kill it through a combination of corporate politics and inept scheduling, but immense DVD sales saw it brought back as the moderately successful movie Serenity in 2005. Comics, a roleplaying game and a very successful board game have kept the name alive, with both Fox and several streaming services saying they’d be happy to consider a new iteration of the series.

Whedon himself is busy at HBO with a new project, The Nevers, and most of the cast is in demand elsewhere, so this is probably off the cards for a few more years, but it’d be interesting to revisit the ‘Verse. A remake seems unnecessary, given that the original cast was mostly pretty young when they made it (Jewel Staite and Summer Glau are still only in their 30s, Morena Baccarin only recently turned 40), so a relaunch sent 15-20 years after the events of Serenity with a presumably very different ‘Verse in play would be the way to go, perhaps a “getting the crew back together” story when a new threat arises. Moreso than a lot of the shows on this list, there's unfinished business here.

American Gothic

No, not the weak-arsed 2016 show, but the terrifying semi-supernatural drama which aired for one, memorable season in 1995-96. Created and written by Shaun Cassidy, produced by Sam Raimi and starring a frankly disturbing Gary Cole (keen to fight back against his “cuddly dude” image from Midnight Caller), who may or may not be the devil, or a servant of the same, American Gothic was a glorious mash-up of Southern Americana and Stephen King on steroids.

Cole played Sheriff Lucas Buck, the seemingly easy-going sheriff of Trinity, South Carolina who collects favours from the townsfolk in return for his help, and then collects in a brutal and often-unexpected fashion. As the season continues, the serialised story evolves into a war for the soul of Caleb Temple (Lucas Black), a young orphan boy with unusual powers. Buck tempts him towards evil, but reporter Gail Emory (Paige Turco) and Dr. Matt Crower (Jake Weber) try to keep him on the side of good. The townsfolk find themselves caught up in the struggle, which starts as a slow-burning, subtle struggle before becoming more apocalyptic as the season goes on.

Way ahead of its time, some of American Gothic’s Southern-drenched horror atmosphere resurfaced in HBO’s True Blood, although that show arguably overdid the camp and humour to negate much of the dramatic impact of the premise. If someone brought back American Gothic with just the right tone, this could be a huge hit.

Dark Skies

As The X-Files ground its way through the 1990s and it became increasingly clear that the writers were making stuff upon the fly with no pre-planning, fans began to wonder what would happen if it had been written by Babylon 5 creator J. Michael Straczynski, famed for his mastery of foreshadowing and setting up plot points years ahead of time to make a much more cohesive storyline.

Dark Skies attempted to answer that question. Written by occasional Straczynski collaborator Bryce Zabel (along with Brent Friedman), the show had a pre-planned five-season arc that was going to unfold across decades. The first season spans almost a full ten years, from 1961 to 1969, and focuses on FBI agent John Loengard (Eric Close) and his wife Kimberly Sayers (Megan Ward) as they uncover evidence that the Roswell incident was real, and the beginning of a clandestine alien attack on Earth by the so-called “Greys.” Top-secret US agency Majestic-12 was formed to fight against the alien invaders, led by Frank Bach (a magnificent J.T. Walsh), but the long war has made the organisation ruthless and paranoid, trampling over civil rights and the Constitution.

As the season progressed, it pitted Loengard and Sayers against the aliens, their possessed human slaves and into an ambiguous relationship with Majestic-12, sometimes as allies and sometimes as enemies. Halfway through the season there was something of a rejig of the premise, with Kimberly being taken over the aliens and it being revealed that the Greys are just a front, with the real enemy being a parasitic species called the Ganglions, who have taken control of most of the Greys and use them as slaves. Towards the end of the season there was also an unexpected alliance formed between Majestic-12 and its Russian counterpart, with Juliet Stuart (a pre-Voyager Jeri Ryan) joining the team as a liaison, and the intriguing hint that the Cold War was actually just a feint created by the US and Soviet governments to believe that humanity was weaker than it really was.

The plan for future seasons was fascinating, with the second season expected to cover the period 1970-76, the third season 1977-86 and the fourth season in 1987-99, culminating with a full-scale Ganglion invasion. The fifth season, set in real-time (2000-01) would have depicted the fight back against the invaders. Obviously, these never happened.

With its rich period detail and a much greater sense of narrative direction than The X-Files, it’s a shame that the show was dismissed as just a knock-off. A remake of the same premise now would be extremely interesting.

Babylon 5
Speaking of Babylon 5, it’s entirely possible that J. Michael Straczynski’s own magnum opus, which aired five seasons from 1993 to 1998, could be due a reassessment. With its complex, rich five-year storyline and its cast of impressive, flawed protagonists, Babylon 5 certainly felt at least twenty years ahead of its time and was seriously underrated during its time on the air.

Some may argue that remaking Babylon 5 is redundant: the show completed its storyline (unlike most of the shows mentioned here) and aired 110 episodes, seven TV movies and half a season of a spin-off before wrapping up. B5 has also been influential on the current run of space operas, particularly The Expanse (Daniel Abraham has acknowledged his huge love of the show). But whilst that’s true, it’s also true that getting modern audiences to watch the original series is increasingly difficult. There’s no sign that Warner Brothers are interested in a HD remaster, and in many respects the show has not aged as well as it might have done. The first and last seasons are both very rough, and the guest cast could be particularly ropey. The original cast was, of course, fantastic but a sadly astonishing number have passed away very young, making a sequel series or continuation almost impossible to consider.

At its heart Babylon 5 was an epic space opera custom-designed for the small screen. A reboot handled in the right, respectful way (with Straczynski’s involvement and reusing the original cast in new roles where appropriate) could become the Game of Thrones of science fiction (and it’s worth nothing that George R.R. Martin was a huge fan of Babylon 5). Unfortunately, it sounds like Warner Brothers are not interested in the idea, at least for now.

Macross/Robotech

Back in 1982, Studio Nue and Shōji Kawamori created a hugely influential animated show: Super Dimension Fortress Macross. The show depicted an alien spacecraft crash-landing on Earth in the South Pacific, alerting the planet (then on the cusp of a Third World War) of the existence of possibly hostile alien life. Humanity rebuilt the starship, the Super Dimensional Fortress (or SDF-1), but when they reactivated the hyperdrive, they gave away the ship’s position to the Zentraedi, who were searching for it. After a pitched battle, the SDF-1’s hyperdrive misfired, delivering it (and 70,000 refugees from a nearby island) to the orbit of Pluto. With the hyperdrive apparently burned out, the ship had to head back to Earth on normal rocket power, which took two years.

During this period the crew fought numerous battles with the Zentraedi, who wanted to capture the ship intact and thus were constantly fighting with one hand tied behind their backs. The story featured both soap-opera-ish developments among the humans of the SDF-1 and within the Zentraedi fleet, as well as epic battles and huge revelations about the nature of the fortress, humanity and the aliens. A final pitched battle sees Earth mostly destroyed and the surviving humans and Zentraedi forced to work together to survive in the aftermath.

In 1985 the series was bought by Harmony Gold in the USA, but they deemed it too short for syndication. It was combined with two other unrelated-but-similar-looking shows (Super Dimension Cavalry Southern Cross and Genesis Climber Mospeada) to create a whole new show, Robotech. Drawing mostly on the Macross material for its backstory, Robotech expands the storyline to some thirty years after the original series, giving the Zentraedi a new master race (the Robotech Masters) and their own nemeses (the Invid) and exploring further conflicts with these two races. There was also an aborted spin-off, The Sentinels, depicting the original Macross characters taking the fight into space (and explaining their absence from the other series).

Macross itself also gained a large number of spin-off series in Japan, including the non-canonical Macross II, the prequel series Macross Zero and various sequels, including Macross Plus, Macross 7 and Macross Delta. Due to legal disputes between the Japanese companies and Harmony Gold, these latter series have not been released in the west. However, thanks to a new deal signed between the companies in 2019, there are plans to perhaps remedy this.

Both Macross and Robotech have their hardcore fans, and of course modern anime fans consider it sacrilege to rewrite and re-edit original Japanese material, so any reboot of the series would likely be contentious, whether it was a redoing of Macross or Robotech. But given Netflix’s success with relaunching Voltron and given the end of the long-running legal dispute between the US and Japanese creators, this project must be on their radar. With the much-mooted live-action version of Robotech apparently on the backburner (having gone through two directors in rapid succession), it might be time to see the SDF-1 and its crew back on the small screen again.

Rome

HBO’s epic retelling of the story of the fall of the Roman Republic and the rise of the Roman Empire to replace it was one of the most lavish TV shows ever made, with colossal sets, rich costuming and fantastic casting. It feels very much like a practice run for Game of Thrones, sharing a lot of DNA with the latter show in terms of brutal writing, graphic violence and, if anything, even more sex.

It was also short and curtailed. HBO aired two seasons in 2005 and 2007, but were left high and dry when the BBC bailed on cofunding a third season. HBO panicked at the show’s huge budget and dropped it, only to later recant after huge DVD sales and increased viewing figures through the second season’s run. By the time HBO felt ready to remount it, the moment had passed and the in-demand cast (including Kevin McKidd, James Purefoy and Polly Walker) had scattered to numerous other projects.

There are various options for a rebooting of the show. One idea might be to simply remake the original with a new cast (and perhaps a bit more fidelity to actual history, such as using Clodia rather than Atia and depicting the Battle of Philippi as the complex, multi-week campaign it really was), since the stories of Julius Caesar, Augustus, Mark Antony and Cleopatra are of course timeless.

A more interesting idea might be to pursue the notion that HBO themselves had five or six years ago which never took off. The original Rome was going to have a time-jump in the fourth season to the time of Jesus, with the descendants of Timon (Atia’s Jewish hatchet-man in the original show) playing a key role in events. However, after the show was cancelled HBO instead considered a fresh adaptation of Robert Graves’ I, Claudius and Claudius the God, previously adapted as a prestige BBC mini-series in the 1970s. Using the Rome sets (most of which are still standing in Italy, although some were damaged by fire in 2007), the story could be rejigged as a Rome sequel, with many characters returning in their later years of life.

UFO

In 1970, Gerry Anderson was best-known as the creator of a series of puppet shows for kids with insanely elaborate production views: Fireball XL5, Stingray, Thunderbirds and Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons (among many others). UFO was his first live-action project, combining real actors with his trademark elaborate sets and visual effects, courtesy of the late, great Derek Meddings.

UFO remains an outlier among Anderson’s work. It was adult, strange, paranoid, dark, grim and occasionally barking mad. If Anderson’s other shows (excepting maybe Captain Scarlet) reflected the colourful, optimistic tone of the 1960s, UFO reflected the dark side, musing on drug abuse, the PTSD of war and the paranoia that comes from fighting a secret war against an alien infiltration force.

The premise is that Earth is under attack by alien forces. Under great secrecy, an international organisation named SHADO (Supreme Headquarters, Alien Defence Organisation) is established to defend the planet. The defence network consists of Interceptors, space fighters launched from Earth’s moon; Skydiver, a sub-launched aerial combat craft; and rapid-response ground troops deployed from APCs. The series mostly follows operations from SHADO HQ (hidden under a film studio), where Colonel Straker (Ed Bishop) masterminds the fight against the aliens. Other characters include Colonel Foster (Michael Billington), SHADO’s newest recruit; Lt. Ellis (Gabrielle Drake), Moonbase commander; Colonel Freeman (George Sewell), SHADO’s second in command; Colonel Lake (Wanda Ventham), SHADO’s computer specialist; and Captain Carlin (Peter Gordeno), the principle Skydiver pilot.

If this all sounds a bit familiar, this may be because Julian Gollop “borrowed” elements of the premise for his 1993 video game UFO: Enemy Unknown (released as X-COM: UFO Defense in the US), which kick-started the X-COM video game franchise. This series was relaunched in 2012 with a new game, XCOM: Enemy Unknown, and continues today.

UFO was way ahead of its time in being dark, rather pitiless in how it killed off characters and rather realistic in how characters were promoted, reassigned or fired, with the cast moving around a lot in roles in a mere 26 episodes. As the show drew to a close, there were interesting revelations about the nature of the aliens and hints that some of the aliens wanted peace. A modern reboot of the show could be very interesting. 

Blake’s 7

At the top of almost every SF fan’s wishlist for a show to be rebooted is Blake’s 7. Created by Doctor Who writer (and creator of the Daleks) Terry Nation, the show ran for four seasons on the BBC in 1978-81. At its height it was – briefly – the biggest show on UK television, even defeating the super-popular soap opera Coronation Street in a ratings war (albeit for the series finale). This was remarkable given that Blake’s 7 was an unabashed, low-budget space opera, complete with wobbly plastic spaceships, even more wobbly sets and rudimentary visual effects.

What made Blake’s 7 work was its utter ruthlessness. The show started off with idealistic crusader Roj Blake (Gareth Thomas) and amoral computer genius Kerr Avon (Paul Darrow) joining forces after being imprisoned by the totalitarian Terran Federation, a blatantly evil version of Star Trek’s Federation (to the unsubtle extent of the Federation’s symbol being the Star Trek symbol turned all the way to the extreme right). Avon and Blake escape with a motley crew of criminals and chancers, find an advanced alien starship called the Liberator and then embark on a war of retribution against the Federation. So far, so Robin Hood.

However, the show had no truck with black and white hats and clearly-drawn lines of good and evil. Blake starts off as a hero, but becomes morally compromised as he becomes more and more willing to accept civilian casualties as “justified” in the battle to pull down the Federation. At a key moment in the series, he is asked if he can accept the hundreds of thousands and probably many millions of deaths that will result from destroying the Federation’s central control computer on Earth, disrupting food and water supplies. Blake says, rather quickly, yes, “because it’s the only way I’ll know I was right.” The moral lines become even more confused when a hostile alien race from Andromeda invades the Federation at the end of Season 2, forcing Blake into an alliance of convenience with his enemies to ensure that humanity is not just wiped out altogether.

In Season 3, Blake disappears and Avon takes control of the Liberator. Initially planning to use the ship for his own selfish ends, Avon constantly finds himself drawn into idealistic struggles and loses his own sense of identity, becoming a hero against his better instincts and loathing himself for it, as he knows he is a fraud. By Season 4, Avon is clearly suffering from paranoia and possibly a personality disorder as he can no longer determine his own motivations. The series ended with what is arguably still the most shocking finale of all time, as the entire regular cast is brutally gunned down by Federation troops, just before Avon – having just murdered a returned Blake after mistaking him for a traitor – makes a futile last stand of his own, leaving his fate ambiguous.

In truth, that finale was more of a happy accident. Another season was planned, which would open with the revelation that the crew had only been stunned and imprisoned, not killed, but the BBC decided to cancel the show on a high, leaving the bloodbath finale as the show’s last word.

Plans for a relaunch have abounded for years, including a Sky One project a few years ago that seemed to fundamentally misunderstand everything about the show and was fortunately abandoned in the planning stages. Many of the relaunch plans revolved around a “next generation” story where a band of new rebels arises, inspired by the legend of Blake and Avon. Paul Darrow would have returned, sometimes in a mentorship role to the new heroes and sometimes as an enemy, having ascended to high office within the Federation. However, the sad passing of Paul Darrow earlier this year seems to have put paid to such talk, making a full remake more likely.

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